I had a few moments to spare, so I decided to put my feet up and amuse myself with one of my favorite brands - Cadillac. Brace yourselves, chaps, because they're really cranking up the nostalgia with this one. Remember those good ol' days when coach-built cars were all the rage and being bespoke was more than just a fancy word? Well, Cadillac does, and they're rolling out the red carpet for the Celestiq, their latest stab at the automotive throne.

Now, this isn't your run-of-the-mill, pick-the-color-and-trim sort of car. No, sir! With the Celestiq, you're not buying a car, you're commissioning a work of art. Each Celestiq will be as unique as a snowflake, they say - and probably just as cold to the touch.

The whole process is so exclusive that you'll need a personal concierge to liaise with the designers. I imagine the conversation going something like this: "Sir, would you prefer the ashtray to be on the left or the right?" Riveting stuff, really.

Every Celestiq comes with Ultium technology, a 111 kWh battery pack, and an AWD twin-motor setup with a whopping 600 horses under the hood - and in the trunk?. They promise it’ll do 0-60 mph faster than you can say “Cadillac Celestiq” - 3.8 seconds to be exact. That’s thanks to the impressive 868 Nm of torque, which I suspect is also the reason why it goes through batteries faster than a teenager’s smartphone.

Oh, and the tires! They've paired the car with Michelin Pilot Sport EVs - a very posh way of saying, "We've bought some very expensive rubber." They're even designed specifically for the Celestiq, complete with self-sealing technology and foam inserts. Sounds like a Nerf gun stuff for rims, if you ask me.

The interior of the Celestiq is where the real magic happens. With 450 LEDs, 18 lighting animations, hand-wrapped leather, and hand-finished metalwork, you might mistake the car for a mobile disco. And the color choices? Practically unlimited! Want it in neon pink with polka dots? I’m sure they’ll manage.

The tech inside is equally impressive. A 55-inch glass panel with two 8K screens, an 11-inch vehicle control screen, and a couple more 12.6-inch screens for the rear passengers - because heaven forbid they miss out on the action. Plus, there's an Active Privacy system, so you won't have to share your questionable music tastes with the rest of the cabin.

As for the sound system, it’s like having a concert hall in your car. A whopping 38 speakers in the cabin, 3 outside, and a sound-enhancing system to make up for the non-existent engine noise. All glass is sound-insulated and 7.5mm thick, which means you can listen to Celine Dion at full blast without anyone knowing. It's the small victories, really.

Now, onto the suspension of this curious creature, which features the grand-sounding Adaptive Air Suspension with Magnetic Ride Control. I'm fairly sure that's the same technology used by NASA to land rovers on Mars, but here it's used to ensure your morning coffee doesn't spill over the hand-wrapped leather seats.

Let's also not forget the 3.5 degrees rear-wheel steering. For the uninitiated, that means the back wheels turn a little bit, which is a godsend when you're trying to park something the size of the Titanic in your local supermarket car park.

The car also comes equipped with something called Active Roll Control, which isn’t a system for keeping your bread fresh, but rather a clever bit of engineering to keep the car flat through the corners. So, you could theoretically take your Celestiq for a jaunt on a twisty mountain road and not spill your expensive champagne in the process. Handy!

And then there's the active rear spoiler. It comes to life at lower speeds and morphs its function as the speed increases. I like to imagine it flapping about like a bird trying to take off. The reality is probably less amusing, but a man can dream.

The pièce de résistance though, is the roof. Not just any roof, mind you, but a Smart Glass Roof. It’s got variable light transmission, which means you can turn it from clear to opaque at the flick of a switch. So, if you’re driving through a particularly unsightly area (or you spot your mother-in-law on the sidewalk), you can just flick the switch and pretend you’re in a mobile panic room.

And the cherry on top is the car’s autonomous capabilities. Cadillac’s Ultra Cruise is all set and ready to receive the 2024 OTA update that will supposedly turn the car into a self-driving butler on wheels. For now, it can fully park itself and come back to pick you up when called. I just hope it doesn't develop a mind of its own and decide to go on a joyride without you.

Now, the price. Hold on to your wallets because the Celestiq starts at just over $300,000. That's without any of the bespoke nonsense. Throw in a few bells and whistles, and you'll be flirting with the $500,000 mark. You could buy a small country for that!

Availability? Limited. Production begins in December 2023, but you'll have to join a waiting list that's probably longer than the queue for the loo at a beer festival. And Cadillac made it clear that it's a first-come, first-serve deal. No matter if you're the Queen or Bob from accounting - no special treatment here.

All in all, the Cadillac Celestiq is a wonder to behold. It’s full of high-tech wizardry, outrageous luxury, and a price tag to make even the most extravagant spenders weep. But remember, this isn't just a car - it's a statement. A very loud, very flashy, very expensive statement. But hey, if you've got half a million dollars burning a hole in your pocket and a love for all things Cadillac, why not?